Currently Quite Upset

Ok… let me start of by saying that my amazing girlfriend Tracey is the person I hold most dear in all the world. She is the most precious thing I have, and tonight I let her down. This isn’t directed at any person in particular… Trace, I know you’ll read this at some point, I love you so much, and I’m sorry. But I’ll see you soon enough and will apologise to you in person. I love you. This post is mostly just to vent some frustration and help me get some sleep. My new Moleskine journal is also going to get a wicked thrashing before I head to bed.

I really have a great job, and a really great boss. Today he left me pretty mad though. I teach bass and guitar lessons through the weeknights, and normally after my last lesson I leave for the night. Tonight I had made plans to go and spend some time with Tracey. As I was getting ready to leave he asked “Do you mind sticking around to close?” I was pretty upfront.. “Actually I do, I’ve got plans to go see Tracey” this was followed with “She wouldn’t care would she?” I responded.. “actually she probably would, I’ve had this planned for a few days”.. which he replied “I’d appreciate it if you’d do this for me.”

Should I have left? He had the same idea as me, to go home and spend time with his wife. I’m totally ok with this most of the time, I appreciate the extra hours and like to let him get away and spend some relax time with his wife. This is important. However, what i didn’t appreciate is that I was up front wth him, and he decided to take off anyway. Things would have been different if he had given me some notice at least a bit earlier in the day, but the fact that it got sprung as I was on my way out the door left me pretty upset.

By the time I got out of there I didn’t see Tracey late… I didn’t get to see her at all. It was a blizzard here in Barrie and by the time I was finally driving past her house everyone was in bed. On the days where I know I get to see her I look forward to it all day, I can have the worst day, and I can be ok if I know I am seeing her later. Today I really felt as if that got robbed. The part that hurts most is I know it was partially my fault as well…

Yes he is my boss, but I had the choice to walk out or stay. I had plans, and I let someone else change them. Should I have walked? Yes… I had previous plans with the love of my life. Next time I will. But those who know me best know that most of the time I have problems saying no to people in a confrontational situation, and I can often be too nice and accomodating for my own good. It usually takes me getting burned for that to change. Well tonight I not only got burned, but I let down the person I love most. I plan to talk to Keith about it tomorrow, and unless I have notice in the future, I won’t be sticking around if I’ve got ANY plans to do anything else. It won’t be an argument, but more of a statement. I can be very people pleasing when puty on the spot, but once I make up my mind on something it’s usually game over. I also believe in resolving situations rather than let them fester under the surface.

After finding out I wasn’t going to see Trace, I nearly drove home a million miles an hour in a blind rage, there’s nothing I hate more than not keeping my word to her. A year ago I would have driven home like that, and since I have summer tires on my car, I probably would have crashed my car. Trace, as you read this know one thing you’ve taught me (not through pestering, nor by your best attemps to “scare me away” through backseat driving;) That thing is that it’s actually pretty selfish to drive like that and endanger myself in that way. Thank you, you may very well have saved me tonight. I want to be around for you for a long time, so despite my frustration at the whole situation, I drove the rest of the way home, fuming,  at 40 km/hr to keep myself safe, so that I knew I would be able to come see you the next day rather than ending up in an ambulance. The normally 40 min trip home from work took me almost 2 hours. In Orillia I decided to quell my frustration at the drive by doing doughnuts for about 15 min in a secluded parking lot. Although it made me feel a bit better about the drive, it didn’t make me feel any better about the situation in general.

Anyway..thats the deal. Trace, I’m sorry. I really wanted to see you tonight, hold you, and tell you that I love you. I miss you when we’re apart. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I love you. So much.

And to anyone else who happens to come by this post, I apologize for the ramble, it’s been a while since I’ve been this upset. I know to many it may seem like a small deal, but I hate that I often willingly let people walk all over me, and even more I hate not being true to my word with those I care about.

~ by justinpiercy on November 20, 2008.