Pray

I love my sister. She’s had a very rough go of it lately. She’s had some very serious struggles with God, and feels like…well.. read on. I just can never seem to have the right answers, or even often any answers to questions like “Why doesn’t God give me SOME kind of help?” or “I pray to him from the bottom of my soul, and nothing.” . The typical christian brochure answers just don’t cut it, and I’m not sure what else I have to offer aside from prayer. The following is a note posted publicly on her facebook profile:

“Why? Why is this happening? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why do I get punished when all I do is try to put other people first? Why do I try to help and then just get shit on? I don’t understand.
I can’t be happy, its like I don’t deserve it. Its like I deserve being upset. I can be happy for a night, an hour, a minute, then its taken away. Why can’t You just let me live, be happy, be me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough for You? Have I done something wrong to make You upset with me, are You looking down on me and shaking your head? Why wont You help me.. You are supposed to be there, it is You who is supposed to carry me when I can’t carry myself.. and Your not there.. All my life I have been told to believe in You and trust that You will guide me and provide me with guardians that will help me along the way. Well You are failing. Your are letting me slip, and it seems You don’t care. I pray to You all the time, to help me, to guide me. Are you even listening? Why can’t You help me, some way.. any way? Do You like punishing me every day? Its just one thing after another. It just doesn’t seem fair. What have I done to deserve this, please tell me so I can just fix this..

I don’t understand why I am always the one to get hurt. I try to be there for everyone, I try to think about other people’s feelings. I don’t like anyone to be upset with me. I hate it when I hurt people, why do they seem so intent on hurting me? Why whenever I let someone in, they end up screwing me over in the end. Everyone. One day, everyone will hurt me one way or another. No, we may not fight, we may not argue, we may stay in touch till we are playing shuffle board at the old age home. But one day you will leave me too. One day, you will be gone and that will hurt more than anything. Its all hurt, neverending and always painful.

I’m broken.. I’m so broken. I feel like a toy that repeatedly gets thrown in the trash, that gets rips and tears, and that eventually becomes useless and a nuisance. I don’t want to feel anymore. I’m sick of feeling anything, especially hurt. I’m sick of it. I’m so broken that I don’t know if I can be fixed. I don’t know if I have the strength to fix me. And I don’t want anyone else to fix me. I don’t trust anyone to do it right. No one can put me back together so I won’t hurt again. And You are probably the only one who can, but I feel like You have abandoned me.

I want to be able to care, I want to be able to love. My family, my friends. My pets, they all need me, but I just don’t know if I can do it. I love you all, or at least I want to. My girls, I love you, but I feel like I’m just going to let you down if I haven’t already. My family, you have seen me at my worst, helped me through the toughest times. I appreciate it more than you know but I just don’t know if you can help me with this one. I feel like I’m disappointing you too. If I just put the walls back up, put the armor back on, no one can hurt me and I can’t hurt them. If I don’t let feelings in, I won’t hurt, I won’t cry, and I wont have to worry why You don’t care about me anymore.

What have I done? Can’t you see I need You, now more than ever. I need You to help me, its all I’m praying for. And I will pray until I crumble completely, just please start listening.”

 

 I would appreciate any prayer you could offer. I want so bad for things to get better for her, for God to feel there and real for her. I just don’t know what to do.

~ by justinpiercy on April 4, 2009.