A Growing Discontent …Part 2

Well I really wanted to sit on my thoughts for a few days before organizing them into a second post. I have, and I think I’ve organized them into something a little more cohesive, and perhaps correct, than my last post. Also, just to be clear, whenever I talk about church, it’s about the worldwide community of Jesus followers, not any specific “church”.

I’ll start by saying that I believe if anyone starts to rely on church then they will eventually become dissatisfied with it. Church is not something meant to spoon feed any of us, to satify us, to pacify us, or to serve us. It rather something for us to be a part of.  A community of God that challenges us and helps us to grow in our own personal spiritual journey. In my last post I stated that there are a lot of things about modern day church that should perhaps change. I also stated that I believe church in it’s truest sense is a community, not an event or an institution. I believe all of these things. However, in my last post when I stated that church should change, despite my best efforts I was still viewing it as an institution that can change for the benifit of those in it. This is where I think I have been going wrong.  To ask such a thing is like asking a city to change for the benifit of the population, without the population having to do anything about it!

I think if I continue to expect the church to change, I will continually be disappointed. I don’t think the “institution” of church really can change spontaniously into a thriving organic community. For something like that to take place, it must be the people making up the institution that change, not the institution itself. The people of the church must change, and if they do, then the church will change. The second cannot happen without the first happening. To simply sit back and point the finger at others would be hypocrisy, so if I’m discontent, then I need to start looking at ways I can change my outlook.

One major thing is for me stop expecting church to fulfill my expectations. It won’t. God can, but church in itself never will.  Also, I need to stop, really stop in my heart, confining “church” to 6 AM – 12 AM on sunday mornings. Church should be any time I meet with fellow believers, and I should make time to realize that not only on sundays, but during the week as well. Often now, even if I do meet with others, God is down on my list of things to talk about or think about with them. Reading sripture is important, but unless I’m sharing my thoughts and questions with others it will take me much lnger to learn anything from it. Youversion has really helped me stay on track with my personal reading, but I finally see the value in online discussion. I think a “sunday morning” is an essential element to what chuch should be as well, dont get me wrong, it just shoudn’t be the whole thing.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around more ways I can “change church” in my own personal life. I’d love to hear your input. If we don’t change it from within ourselves first, the change will never come at all!

Why Don’t I Just Follow My Gut?

I plan on following up to my previous post shortly, but first I need to voice a frustration with my field of work.

I record people. When they hear themselves recorded they are often EXTREMILY picky. This is ok, and I can totally relate. Often they’ll give me pages of production notes or very specific instructions on how they want a project to turn out. This is not only true of music projects, but also commercial work, karaoke tracks, and video work. Lots of times the production notes won’t match up exactly to what I think will best work for the project. I’ll offer my input, but mostly the client want their instructions followed to the T. I have no problem with that, the goal after all is to present the client with a product that best represents their vision.

The problem is this; with picky clients, 9 times out of 10 after hearing the end result they say something like ” Wow, that’s exactly what I asked you to do but after listening I don’t think it’s what I want at all.” After this comment I usually have to go back and re do a bunch of work until they are happy. The real clincher is this… every time I have run into this the changes I end up making are to make the project what I had originally envisioned it to be … before reading the client’s production notes. It’s pretty frustrating, going through the trouble of making something exactly what somebody wants it to be, only to have them tell me later they don’t enjoy it and then re do it the way I would have originally done it.

So what do I do? I usually have a pretty good grasp of the artistic direction a project should take, and I know how to make it good. I want to be sensitive to clients who want specific things happening, but I often know they won’t like it once they hear it. Do I follow my gut and mix it my way? Or am I stuck mixing everything two ways…their way and my way and letting them choose? It’s not an effective workflow and I feel bad billing clients for twice the needed hours. My direction never ends up being that far off the mark of the client, I am always very aware of genre, target demographics and the destination media, but often there are certain choices I would make on my own that I don’t feel like I can.

I feel like there must be a way more efficient way to do things, but I recognize the client always does come first. Input or feedback?

(Pat I know you’ll read this) You guys have been great:) I love how I can give you my honest input and you’ll seriously consider what I’m telling you. Many others I’ve worked for have been great too..if a bit finicky:P I’m just trying to figure out a better way to do things.

A Growing Discontent

Over the past few months I’ve noticed a growing trend in my attitude. I don’t think it’s a bad change, but it’s one I’ll need a few posts to discuss. I’ve noticed that I’ve been becoming increasing discontent, and dissatified with the “accepted norm” or the “status quo”. Unhappy with routine and finding that we as a culture are pretty far off the mark from what should be.

About 6 or so months ago, I wouldn’t say that I had fallen away from God or my faith, not even close. Rather I would say I became complacent, stagnant, and drew into myself rather than letting myself be led. Since then I’ve dived into the word more, and tried to rearrange the priorities in every aspect of my life. God has worked, and is working, a change in me, my attitude and outlook.

A good friend asked me a good question today, if Jesus were to come back today, would he go to church? I don’t think he would. Perhaps a deeper question, is church really what we view church as? I don’t think it is. Don’t get the wrong idea, I love my “church” Connexus, and I think we do a lot of things right. I still think we are pretty far off the mark though from what God would like to see.

Church has I think become something that it’s not supposed to be, as have many things in the “christian” sub culture. Church is on the deepest level I think a state of being. A community, not a place, not a time, not an event, but rather a life. I know this concept is by no means new, but it’s one I don’t see implemented very often, if at all. No one should “go to church” we should “be church”. Connexus has been trying to foster this attitude and for that I am grateful. But how do we actually implement it?

One step Connexus has made, along with many other congregations, is an increasing support for small group type environments. Their small group support is awesome, and I think that meeting in a small group setting is vital to what church is really supposed to be. That being said, I don’t think small groups should be confined to a certain time on certain weeks. Believers in the early church met every day.

I guess I would just really like to see church move away from something that we chedule into our lives and turn into something that we become. Not by filling our schedules with church related activities and events, but rather through growing friendships and learning to know, really know, people better. It’s must easier to invite a person you don’t know into a loving friendship and community rather that trying to bring them to a sunday morning “church” service. If we are really doing our job as “the church” then bringing someone to church could be as simple as bringing them to chill with a few friends at a local coffee pub.

I’ve just been trying to figure out how to do things differently, how to smash the mould of what church has become in western society. I think sunday mornings are essential, but when the sunday morning starts to be what we view church as then there is a problem. I’m going to pray over the next little bit, and do some serious thinking. How can I make a difference, make church more real, help Connexus to make their ministry more effective as a congregation. I’ll post some general and specific thoughts up here. Your thoughts would be appreciated as well. I think a radical shift is needed in the whole of western church culture. If we stood for what church should stand foor and were effective, people would be flocking to be a part of the community. So… how do we change the face of what church has become?

Changing up the Bass Rig

Not I’m not selling my Jazz Bass, or buying any new basses. My Jazz is the bass bass I have ever played, and it’s only limitation is that there are certain places I’d rather not go with it because it’s so valuable. But I have my washburn as a back up, which is very cool in it’s own right.

No, it’s the amplifier I’m changing up. For the past few years I’ve ran through a Yorkville Bassmaster 400. It’s awesome, and has tons of features. The tone is great toofrom clean to vintage sounding. I love that it’s got a tube preamp, as well as tube drive built in. A five band EQ with parametric mids, scoop, compressor, limiter and tweeter mute make it hands down the nicest amp I’ve ever owned. My next one will have to at least match the features for me to be happy with it. The problem is this… It’s to darn big! It’s a 1 x 15 combo that weighs probably close to 70 pounds. I can’t carry it around by myself since I broke my back, and whenever I gig with it it always ends up in the back seat of my car (the whole back seat) for a few days until I can get someone to help me get it out. It makes me sad, because I love the kick and the tone.

Once I unload a few things, I’ll be looking at some smaller rigs. I play almost exclusively play at church and recording sessions, so I need something to monitor from as well as something with top notch tone and a line out. Many amps are starting to come with a tilt back cabinet design, which I find very appealing. Traynor (Yorkvilles revived identity from the 70’s) makes an amp that I love the looks and idea of. It’s called the Dynabass 300T and it’s a 300 watter, so it’s almost as powerful as mine, but it comes in a very small enclosure with two 8 inch speakers. I think the 8’s would provide tons of punch, if not as much boom as the 15 I have now. It also weighs less than 50 pounds, and is very compact, which is the main priority for me. The amp head has also descended from the amp I currently own, and it has all the same features. I just need to play it to listen, and also sell my current amp. I may also look at some of the smaller SWR’s or Ashdowns, but Traynor (and thus Yorkville) has been a trusted name for decades, and in my opinion highly under recognized.

Also on the chopping block is my Crafter bass. It was my go-to before I got my jazz, but now I now longer can justify owning it. It’s made offshore, but is the best offshore made bass I’ve played, and also the best sounding. If anyone out there knows some one looking, I really need to get a smaller amp to save my back, so I’m letting these puppies go pretty cheap! Once I end up choosing a new amp I’ll be posting a full review for all you bass players..so keep an eye out!

Worst Night Ever

Well I was on the way home from my Tracey’s house tonight and something really bad happened. She lives in the southern end of Oro, and I usually take Ridge Road home to Orillia.  As I was passing Line 9 on Ridge Road …. I hit somebody’s cat with my car. I wasn’t speeding (I don’t count 70 in a 60 as speeding), and I wasn’t talking on my cell phone. I’m ashamed to admit it but it was a rare occasion when niether of those things were going on. I was just driving, the cat ran out in front of my car, I swerved, hard. I still hit it.

Now I love animals, and I have hit one or two small racoons and chipmunks as well as a rabbit before and it left me quite shaken all times. Cats and dogs are different though. All arguments of intelligence aside, there is one defining difference between cats, dogs and wildlife. People love cats and dogs. Pets become a member of the family and losing one is often no easier than losing a person. I knew that this was a creature that somebody fed, had a bed for, had a name for. As soon as it happened I cried for the first time in a long time, and I’m not ashamed to admit that.

A few things ran through my head. When Tracey was little, somebody hit her dog, Tyler, on Ridge Road. They drove away. Tracey was devasted. I know other people who have been through the same thing, and it sucks. A second thing ran through my head. One of my biggest fears since childhood has been that of knocking on someones door to tell them that I had just killed their beloved pet. I’ve always been afraid of watching the tears slowly well up in a little girls eyes as she comprehended the unthinkable news she had just heard at the front door with her family gathered around. I have been terrified and have played the situation over in my head ever since I was a little boy, for some reason since well before driving was even on my radar. After the accident I was in the headspace where all these things and more run through your mind in a matter of literally about 1 second. I drove down a few more lines to compose myself, prayed for strength, slowed down, and turned around. Fighting tears I stopped by the cat that had run in front of me moments before to make sure it was no longer moving, which it wasn’t. I then began the process of canvassing the neighborhood. The cat had no collar, and no one recognized the description. That doesn’t mean much though, it was a rural neighborhood, and there is a bit of distance between neighbors. A few housholds had also retired for the night. Some people seemed to think it may have belonged to a lady who owns a small equestrian ranch on Line 9. She apparently owns many barn cats, but knows each one. I drove there and knocked until she got up and answered the door. After apologising for the lateness I explained to her the situation, and she got dressed and drove with me down the road to where the poor animal was. Her name was Barb, and as the owner of a farm she was fortunately a little better versed in the cycle of life and death than I. She didn’t recognize it, and we couldn’t tell for sure if it was alive or not. It seemed to be moving a little when she picked it up, but she could find not heartbeat. I was ripped apart, it’s one thing to see an animal laying on the road in your headlights, but totally another to see someone stroke it’s fur, or gently lift it in their arms. She took it with her, so that if it were alive it would at least die somewhere warm. I gave her my phone number(s) and asked her if she could talk to the neighbors who were in bed. It’s important to me that I talk to the owners in person if I can at all. After that we parted ways.

I don’t think I could have done anything differently. I was driving responsibly (for once) and don’t think I couldve possibly done anything to avoid the accident. I also don’t think I could have done anything more after the fact. I still feel like crap though. One thing is for sure, God gave me the strength undoubtedly to follow through with what I knew was right. On my own I would never have been able to go back. The drastic and immediate calming of my emotions after my prayer helped me through the situation and was a literal God-send. It’s been a while since I’ve felt his hand in such a tangible and physical way, and for that I was very thankful even amidst the trying circumstances. It doesn’t change the end result however, and I know I’ll need just as much of his strength not to hold myself in a stranglehold of guilt. I just really hope I get to talk to the family. That would mean so much to me, and hopefully to them.

Your prayer would be greatly appreciated, however, while I need it, don’t pray for me first. A family lost a dear friend tonight, please, please pray for them. I will be too.

I love you.

With all my heart. Your smile lights up my life like warm sun on my face. I want to be there for you always, to make your way easier in this world, to do all I can to keep that beautiful smile on your face. To protect you from harm, making sure that you are always safe. To get you iced tea, even when you’re perfectly capable of getting it yourself. To hold you tight when you laugh, and on the rare occasion when you cry. To be the one you fart on, and also to fart on you, even though we both think it’s gross. To pray for you, every morning and night, and usually a few times throughout the day, to petition God to have his arms around you always and to make sure you are warm as you pass into sleep. To watch you dance, and to encorage you in the passion which you love so much. To let you have some time on your own, even though I’d rather have you all to myself.  To hold your hand. To pay for your dinner, and the movie. To open your door before mine, as long as the lock isn’t broken in my car. To carry your stuff, including sometimes your purse. To be the one to call you’re parents when we’re out later than we said. To kiss you. To treasure you. To watch stupid movies with you. To take ridiculously long roadtrips with no radio with you. To take you to the beach, and to do nothing except enjoy being with you and the sunshine all day. To worry about how I look for you, and try and to not get you to worry about how you look, because you’re always beautiful. To tell you that you’re beautiful, even though you always roll your eyes at me. To have learned how to interperet more than 7 indiviual “Tracey Looks”. To feel like a part of your family. To look forward to starting a family. To have you buy me underwear, and to smile when they’re exactly what I wanted. To get said underwear pulled on, whenever it’s showing at your house. To know you, know what you like, what you don’t, what irks you and what makes you smile. To buy you your favourite candy, or favourite potato chips, depending on the day. To order in pizza hut and know that’s it’s just as good, if not better, than an expensive dinner out. To be the one that makes your tummy go funny. To get tickled, and try (in vain) to tickle you back. To make you omlettes, not always in the morning. To make you Kraft Dinner, the right way. To give you a neck massage, or foot massage, when you are sore from dance. To take pictures with you. To take the long way just because we feel like it. To have you show me the beauty in things I would normally just ignore. To decorate a Christmas tree with you. To put whip cream on your nose, or more often, have you put whip cream put on my nose. To look forward to a long life with you, even though sometimes I get a little scared. To cuddle with you by the fireplace. To have someone who really understands my sense of humor. To have complete trust in you. To try and convince you that you are gorgeous, even in your pajamas and without any makeup. To give you one last hug, before I leave for the night. To have you kiss me on the cheek, right where my beard meets my cheek. To be thankful that you did end up falling for a guy with glasses and facial hair. To have you fall asleep in my arms while cuddling on your parents couch. To have you wake up in my arms while cuddling on your parents couch. To write music, just for you. To be yours, always there for you. To have given you my heart, and to know you’ll take care of it.

You call yourself a wallflower, but you are the most beautiful flower in the garden. You are amazing. You make me smile, you are my sunshine.

I love you. Always.

Going to Bed Hungry is a Pain in the Butt

Another new years resolution I didn’t elaborate on in my last post was the one just about everyone makes…to eat better.

Now.. don’t get the wrong idea from the title, by “eating well” I don’t mean “starving myself”. My routine usually sees me working pretty late, till about 9 or so. I have dinner around 5 or 6 at work, but can’t usually feel settled at home once I have a bite to eat. This wouldn’t be bad, except for it usually ends up being at about 10 or 10 30.

Eating late is one of the worst dietary things you can do if you are trying to stay, or get in shape. Not sure exactly how it works, but I know that for any food your body digests during the night, a higher than average percentage get’s stored as fat.  So, even if you are eating reasonably healthy late at night (which I don’t usually) it can still be detrimental to your diet.  Also, you don’t sleep as well or deeply if you have a stomach full of food to digest. So, taking all these things into consideration, I am cutting out my “second supper/snack”.

I didn’t think it would be that big a deal, but because my body has becomed used to that pattern, if I don’t eat when I come home I get really, really hungry! Like stomach churning and growling hungry! The fact that all I am doing while I’m this hungry is laying in bed trying to go to sleep makes it that much more difficult since I don’t have anything to take my mind off it.

I know I’m making a big deal of something not that big, and I am really, really, really thankful that I have to choose to go to bed hungry as millions around the world are forced to. Just that thought will make it easier to bear for the next while, until my body adjusts to the new routine.

Right now I would kill for a pickle and a PB & J sandwich though!!

New Years Post…finally!!

Well… Happy New Year!

I know it’s a bit late, but this time of year is a typically pretty busy time for me. I’ve been semi-offline for the past little while, although today marks my official re-entering of the normal world.

In some ways a new year feels to me like an amazing new time, a fresh time. Other times I realize it’s just another day, marked only by an arbitrary system of time and dates invented by people. A new year could start any day of the year. Still, January first has been the accepted date of a “new year” for a long time, so it seems a pretty good one to go with. As with many others, I’ve got a few issues I’m going to try and tackle this year, and blogging about them seems to be the hip thing to do!

One problem that has been creeping up in my life, busyness. I never used to be this way, but over the past year and a half, I find that my schedule ends up so packed that I don’t have the time or energy to really commit and invest myself into any of the things I agree to do. What hurts the most is I’ve been finding I don’t have the time ore energy I would like to commit to Tracey or my family. Running around all the time with my gas tank on empty always leads me to the same feeling, one of isolation. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I sometimes feel as if my crazy schedule takes precedence over my identity, and I don’t even havbe the time to be myself amidst all the other things I’m trying to get accomplished.  As if the other people in my life are characters that flash in and out, depending on what portion of my schedule I’m working on, and that I never really get to know any of them. It also leads to an isolation from God, as I have nothing left to offer him, even though I’m serving Him often exhaustively. It often gets very lonely, even though I’m surrounded by very many amazing people who love me. I just feel as if a lot of the time I’m not in control of myself, I’m not running my own life, and I don’t really have anything or anyone to be once it’s all over.

The biggest thing I am working on this year is trying to make the things I do matter more, to make the things I do more efficient and to pare down on the things that taking away from rather than adding to my life. I want to see my parents more, I live with my dad, and I honestly rarely see him as I am rarely home when anyone else is awake. I want to offer more of myself, my true self, to Tracey.  And I need to make God my focus rather than making the things I do for God the focus. I love the sound work I do at Connexus, and I can’t see myself stopping that any time in the near future. Our small group also just cemented for another 10 months. I won’t be dropping that either since it’s one place where I get to chill, relax, and discuss the word with others who are likeminded. It’s one small arena where I feel I have been growing in community. There are other things I do though that may not be the best idea. One thing I’ve ben weighing is an evening service I usually play bass at Sunday nights at a church in Orillia. I love it, and I love the people, but I find at the end of a Sunday I don’t have very much left to offer, and that’s not a good thing when you’re in a band trying to lead people in worship. If you are leading people in worship, your entire soul must go into it. If it’s not then your are not only denying God your service, you’re also cheating the people of the congregation. I often find myself trying to find ways out of it, or grudgingly dragging myself to it, even though I love it. As much as it truly breaks my heart, this is one of the things I’ve been considering leaving by the wayside. Haven’t made up my mind quite yet thought.

My problem is this, everything I do I love so much, so everything I consider dropping really hurts. But I need to be sure that at the end of the day I am happy being myself, that I can offer myself to God, and as much as I can to Tracey. I also need to be there for my family.

I’m going to read the bible all the way through this year. I’m joining friends on twitter go through the www.youversion.com bible plan, which takes you though the old testament once and the new testament twice through the course of a year. I enjoy journaling about it but am not quite sure about the online journaling just yet. When it comes to devotions I’ve always liked my reflections to be between me and God, lest I start making them to impress others rather than to grow with God. Still, I do enjoy reading those of others. I may dive in eventually, but for now I like my thoughts on the word to be between me and God alone.

Other than that, I plan to eat better, exercise a bit more (hard for me in winter), and relax a bit more! I’m also hoping to save a bit of money by cutting back a bit on my startbucks and music addictions, and generally budgeting more. Anyway…gotta head to work in a bit, hope you are all keeping well!!

New theme…again!

Trying out this new theme, couldn’t feel good about the last one. I always feel limited by the choice of themes available to wordpress.com users. Oh well… let me know if this one makes the grade. I love the graphic, and was trying to find a theme that would accomodate it.

smile:)

Update!

Trying out a new look. I like this, although this theme doesn’t seem to fit the screen resolution properly on my internet bound PC. Let me know how it looks on yours…if it doesn’t fit properly for most, I’ll change it again.

My Christmas shopping is DONE!!! Just emailed off the last gift for Traceys parents and my parents, can’t tell you anymore than that though…it’s a secret;) It’s a big relief, and I had pretty much all of it done last weekend, which was sweet!! Left me hurting in the pocketbook a bit, but thats average for this time of year:)

Got my new glasses…and they are SWEEETT!!

Aside from that there’s not too much goin on other than the usual family busy and craziness that goes along with this time of year. I’ve been so busy..it’s been hard finding time to post this! I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog a bit and it feels good to be back:)

Been working on some really cool stuff audio wise in the last little bit. Many of you may know I recorded my good friend Pat Dryburgh and his band “The Takeoff”. I just polished off (pending approval) the first tune of the project. It’s sounding pretty good, and has a more acoustic vibe than most of their stuff. While it doesn’t exactly suit what they do most of the time, I think it sounds great, and acoustic stuff is honestly some of my favourite to work with.

I’ve been struggling to learn more in the live sound and recording arenas. While I do have tons of knowledge in both fields thanks to my schooling and experience, I know I can always learn more, and I’m trying to find new avenues to do so. Doing mix training with church volunteers has been really great not only for them, but also for me, it’s amazing how much you can learn by teaching. Aside from that, I read an amazing blog at www.goingto11.com. Connexus is a strategic partner to a larger church in Atlanta called Northpoint. This blog is that of their main soundman and is full of great info. After reading for more than a year I figured it was time to reach out and make the contact with the writer, Dave. One of my biggest struggles with my sound duties at church is that I have no one to mentor under, I’m pretty much on my own. While I feel that I do an OK job, I know I have tons of room to get better.

Anyway… a bunch of random stuff in one post. Look for more coherent offerings in the near future. Love you all and Merry Christmas!!